you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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