Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You took a bar mat shot.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
