So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
