I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
