yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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