Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
