There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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