I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Welp...herpes.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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