I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
