literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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