i just wanna soil my oats bro
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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