I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
