I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
