They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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