I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
