I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
