Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
