I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
