Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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