shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize