if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
