I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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