I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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