census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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