he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Reggie can tackle my bush.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize