I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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