You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
