You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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