I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
