anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
