GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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