It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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