You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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