This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
