You smell like stripper and shame
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
