here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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