Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
