I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
