Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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