So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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