I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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