I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
