shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
