I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
