You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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