Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
