my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
