At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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