just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
