that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
