Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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