I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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