his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize