She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
